It’s not you — it’s me

Dear John and Jane Q. Provider,

First off, I want to thank you for all you have done for me. You helped me through some rough times – my first experience with birth control, my first annual exam. But in the time we spent together, I feel as if I’ve grown and you have not. I have taken the time to educate myself about all of the evidence that is out there about how amazingly perfect my body is for making babies, giving birth to them and producing the perfect food for them. All of this knowledge has increased my confidence in myself and helped me to grow into the strong, self-assured woman you know today. Unfortunately, I don’t feel that you have experienced the same kind of growth and that’s why I have to leave.

In spite of the wealth of knowledge available to you about evidence-based care, you continue to insist that you know what is best for me. I feel that you are stuck in the past and you are making decisions that have a direct effect on me and my baby that are based on protecting you from a future that may or may not happen. How can you ask me to trust you, when you are telling me that you can guarantee the safety of me and my baby? There are no guarantees in pregnancy and birth that everything will turn out perfectly. So, our relationship is based on a lie. You cannot guarantee a happy ending. By asking me to lie back and let you do all of the work, you are asking me to hand over the power and responsibility of my birthing experience.

The truth is, there’s someone else. I have found a provider who believes in me and in my body’s natural ability to give birth to my baby. She listens when I talk to her about my concerns about my pregnancy. She asks questions about my personal life because she understands that what is happening in my relationships, at home, at work – all of these things will have an impact on how I give birth. She doesn’t try to scare me with statistics or make promises she cannot keep. She doesn’t try to manipulate me into taking unnecessary tests or force me to lie in a position that is most convenient for her while I try to push out my baby.

It’s time for me to move on. Maybe someday, you will understand why I had to go. For the sake of the rest of the women in your care, I truly hope that day comes soon.

With much love and gratitude,


3 thoughts on “It’s not you — it’s me

  1. I love this, Kristi, for so many reasons. Not the least of which is that it so accurately sums up my own feelings as I went on the journey from OB to home birth midwife during my most recent pregnancy. Thanks for posting!

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